HeroWin
I’m sitting in the Victoria Tavern with Jenny Harlow, the
most beautiful girl in world. Some moronic lug heads are leering at her from
the cigarette machine. Lower forms of pond life destined to be arrested by the
Police officers they bullied at school.
‘Those lads over there are checking you out.’ I inform her.
She raises an eyebrow, pretending she didn’t wear the denim
shorts and low cut top deliberately to attain this kind of attention. ‘Oh...yeah
I know, I hate guys like that...they’re only after a one night stand. I want a
gentleman, someone who’ll look after me.’
‘Aww, you know, I’ll look after you.’ I simper weakly.
‘Aww, I know Jack,’ she replies dully, ‘why can’t I find
someone like you?’
You stupid bitch, I am me.
Sloppily, I neck my pint and make my way over to the men’s toilet,
the apprehension building as I near the cigarette machine. A hand finds my
shoulder. He has quiffy hair and an arrogant air but is very slight in
comparison to his meaty companions. He must be particularly mean to compensate.
‘Alright big lad,’ he sneers ‘how’s it going?’
Big lad? His sarcasm’s ironic.
‘Who’s that bird
you’ve got with ya? I’d fucking ruin that.’
‘Ok.’ I reply meekly.
‘How long you known each other? You’ve fucked that right?’
‘I’ve known her for three years, we’re just friends.’ I
mutter, looking at my shoes.
They all laugh.
‘Three years and you’ve still not hit that?’
A tall lad steps forward and slings an arm around the
gobshite.
‘Ok, Deano, that’s enough.’
He isn’t clean-shaven like the rest of them. He has a neatly
trimmed black beard and his attire looks like it might be designer rather than
Primark; probably an ex Chav that’s managed to get into university.
‘Good evening, squire, you should know that that lovely pair
of tatty bojangles over there belongs to my little brother...’
Jenny’s appeared at my side, offering the lads a you better be as charming as you look
sort of gaze.
The tall lad’s mock posh voice, shatters her defences
immediately, ‘Oh hello, this charming fellow here tells me you’re Jenny Harlow.
Well, i’m Dan Ferris’ brother, you know?’
‘Your Daniel’s brother?’ She asks incredulously, looking him
up and down.
‘Yes, I’m the good looking one.’
She giggles and shows him an image on her phone. ‘He sent me
this the other day.’
I catch a glimpse of a male, wearing nothing but a fiery red
motorcycle helmet.
‘He’s awfully obsessed with that helmet.’ he’s scoffing, ‘more
so than the bike I’ve often thought.’
‘I know, right.’
‘Would you like a drink?’
‘Sure.’
I can hear Deano saying ‘He’s been trying for three years...
Johnno’s been trying for three seconds...’
‘I’m gonna go, Jenny.’ I mumble.
‘Ok,’ She replies over her shoulder, ‘text me tomorrow.’
-
The pictures appear on her Facebook profile around six in
the morning. Most of them are of Deano pretending to fuck her doggy style, squeezing
her huge tits, while she wears a false expression of surprise. These photos aren’t
nearly as infuriating as the ones with that tall lad; Johnno. In one she’s
hugging him tightly, pushing her chest against his and, in another, she’s
pulled his arms around her, from behind, so she can rub her arse against his
groin. In both she’s staring at him with eyes full of lust and admiration,
whilst he grins mockingly into the camera; perfectly photogenic.
Colin texts me, around teatime, to ask if I want to go to
the pub. See, I do have a couple of friends, but, as you might expect, they aren’t
particularly cool; they lack the social skills necessary to make them ‘a laugh’.
Colin, who has been my ‘friend’ the longest, is incredibly jealous of me and spits
venom every time I open my mouth. We rarely have extended conversations. The
dull void is filled, instead, with the ramblings of our mutual friend Toby, the
most boring man in the universe, who enjoys nothing more than the sound of his
own voice.
I’m on my third pint, Toby’s waffling about the possibility
of a promotion and my phone’s vibrating.
‘Who’s that?’ Colin demands.
‘Just a lass.’ I reply smugly, before I’ve even checked.
Toby looks irritated
that I’ve interrupted him just as he was getting round to telling us how he’s
improved the shift rotas.
‘Cum 2 Shezs party 2nyt, my ex is out
of rehab and I dnt wana speak to him. Cum keep me company. Its tym we had a
talk ;) Jen xxxxxxxxxxxxx’
A talk?
I interrupt Toby a second time. ‘Fancy going to a party?’
‘A party?’ Colin asks surprised, ‘Who’s?’
‘Sheryl Woods...year above us at school...brown hair...’
‘Oh, yeah, she’s fit.’ Colin says, recalling her face.
Toby’s irate at having been interrupted a second time,
‘Can’t we just stay here? I have work tomorrow!’
‘Oh, of course, there are girls there,’ Colin sneers, ‘forgot
you were a bender, Toby.’
‘Fine,’ Toby submits, ‘but only if yous come get food with
me afterwards.’
‘Ok.’ I lie, knowing Toby will declare his hunger after ten
minutes, when he realises no girl will touch him with a ten foot barge pole.
Suddenly, a tracksuited man, pursued by the bouncer,
scampers passed us, the plastic bag in his hand catching my chair, sending a
dozen or so cellophane packets scattering across the room. I retrieve some of
the packets, to hand to a member of the bar staff, and discover they each
contain a half full syringe, a lighter, a small spoon and a clump of brown. A
smack addict’s goody bag?
We quickly exit with Colin grumbling; ‘This place has gone
to the dogs.’
‘It’s worse in London.’ Toby insists and happily delves into
a long recollection of when work sent him down south.
It’s drizzling, so I pull the hood up on my cagoule and
discover one of the cellophane packets.
‘Oh shit, give us a sec, I’ll just take this back to the
bar.’
I observe several youths attacking the bouncer, all except
one, who spins round aggressively to face me, as I take a tentative step back
towards the pub.
‘Think I’ll just take it down the cop shop tomorrow.’ I
mumble to no-one in particular and shuffle quickly after my friends.
-
It’s late, when we arrive at Sheryl’s, but when I text Jenny
she replies immediately saying she’ll come find me soon.
‘Where’s that Sheryl at, Jack?’ Colin grumbles, as we take a
seat in the busy living room.
They’re going to meet Jenny in the near future, so I might
as well tell them why I’m really at this party; ‘Look, a lass I’ve been seeing
is meeting me here tonight, I think we’re going to become official.’
Colin manages to subdue his dismay with an aggressive bark; ‘Urgh,
so that Sheryl, isn’t even here? Thanks a lot.’
‘No, she is.’ I draw his attention to a slim brunette
dancing seductively by the window.
‘Oh...’ Colin fixes his watery gaze upon her, envisioning fantasies
in which she falls hopelessly in love with him. In reality, when she notices
his creepy gaze, she’ll probably leave the room or offer him some hostility. Suddenly,
Jenny enters, looking breathtaking in a little blue number.
‘Jenny!’ I shout, gesturing wildly. Her face falls a little,
as a few members of the crowd snigger at my awkwardness, but she’s still able
to maintain a strained smile as she approaches.
‘Jaaaack,’ she sings sweetly, ‘how are you, Hun?’
‘Alright, ta,’ I grin, feeling Colin and Toby gawping at her,
‘look do you want to go somewhere a bit quieter to talk?’
‘Oh...no, that doesn’t matter now,’ she laughs, ‘Dan!’ I
watch in horror, as she embraces a lean skinhead. ‘Dan, this is my bestest buddy Jack, Jack,
this is Daniel Ferris. We’re back together again.’
I take the bastard’s hand, which he squeezes painfully
before turning back to Jenny, ‘Come on babe. Upstairs!’
‘I’ll catch up with
you later.’ She smiles before disappearing.
‘Well,’ Colin says, his voice aching with relief, ‘that
didn’t go very well did it?’
-
Shortly after this humiliating ordeal, Toby announces his
hunger and Sheryl’s boyfriend threatens Colin with an injury. They leave
without telling me, or indeed, me noticing.
Jenny craved monsters, monsters with the correct mix of beauty,
stupidity and bastardry, whilst ironically keeping me around to show the world
that she’s a sensitive soul who isn’t prejudice against those of us who are
wretched. A while later, the happy couple re-enter the room whilst my brain
continues to tick. The fiend’s joined by his friends, who assault him with a
vile mix of alcoholic beverages. He’s vomiting steadily as he’s carried
upstairs by his brother and Jenny disappears outside with Deano. Glancing down
at my rucksack, I remember what I had acquired earlier, and decide that what I’m
going to do is meant to happen. I slink upstairs unnoticed and find him in one
of the upstairs bedrooms. Through the window, down below, I can see some
unkempt bushes. Perfect. The snores of the skeletal monster are audible, beneath
the motorcycle helmet, and I can smell the vomit drying on his football shirt.
I sneak the syringe into an abused vein, pulsing in the crook of his elbow,
roughly pushing down the plunger as I do so. I take pleasure from his groan of
discomfort.
As I drop beside him, he rolls soundlessly off the bushes
and onto the lawn. I’m lucky Sheryl’s parents aren’t financially successful
enough to buy a big house. I take his helmet and leave him in the shadows
beside the shed. It takes me less than thirty seconds to find them; they’re round
the side of the house, illuminated in the pale moonlight, a sickly slurping
noise clear in the quiet night. I trigger the security light and Jenny leaps to
her feet, wiping her mouth furiously, whilst Deano hurriedly tries to hide his
penis. ‘Whoa...bruv...whoa.’ He says and quickly disappears through the gate. Jenny,
on the other hand, approaches me. She’s not looking her best, with bunched hair
and a gloopy stain on her dress but she’s still grinning sheepishly.
‘Now babe,’ she croons, still too taken aback to realise I’m
not wearing a football shirt, ‘it wasn’t what it looked like, Deano and I were
just talking and then I dropped my hair clip. I was just looking for it.’
I stroke a
lock of hair away from her eyes, something I’d seen romantics do in films.
‘Why do you always wear that stupid helmet?’ she giggles and
tries to remove it. I grab her by the face, wedging my palm between her ruby
lips and start jamming the empty syringe into her face, being careful to avoid
the eyes. This is her punishment, for sleeping with men who didn’t deserve her;
men who weren’t me. The needle’s gone straight through her cheek in places but
there’s nothing that makeup can’t fix, save for a jagged blemish above the
right eyebrow, where the needle’s snapped and become stuck. She’ll have to grow
her fringe a bit. As soon as I’ve reunited Ferris with his helmet, I return to a
screaming Jenny, pushing through the crowd genuinely worried about her. Nobody
notices that I’m covered in blood before she falls into my arms. When the
Police and Paramedics arrive, Deano tells them that Ferris caught him defiling
his girlfriend, Jenny clarifies it was Ferris, the ex junkie, who attacked her
and Ferris himself is found a few metres away, not where his friends had left
him, wearing the red motorcycle helmet, Jenny remembers so vividly. His claim
of ignorance became irrelevant, when they found heroin in his system.
Jenny Harlow, the most beautiful girl in the world, now
clings to me, night and day. She’s too scared to go out and meet new people. She’s
completely mine. The hero wins. An ending fit for Disney.
